Hello, my friend!
I'm so happy to see you again. Now that my face has fully recovered from last week's shenanigans. insert eye roll. Oh, and by the way, my oven is working again! I mean, WTF, right? Don't worry, I'm still trying to get someone to come take a look at it. Backup plan after that is to buy a new one.
Alright. Down to business. So, this week, Spirit wants me to talk about what it means to be optimistic. Why you should and how you can get there (if you aren't already).
If you follow me on social media, you know that my username is always "HopelessOptimst". It's an accurate nickname. One I've been called in real life. I honestly can't remember for certain, but I'm pretty sure it was my BFF that first coined the nickname. She used to marvel at my ability to focus on the positive, to let go of things so quickly, and to be so "sunshiny" (as she termed it).
I am the person who, no matter what, will always find the silver lining in a situation. I know several people who, if you told them they'd won the lottery, would complain about how much they'd have to pay in taxes. I'm the opposite. I entered my short story in a writing contest and had I been told I'd lost, I'd have been grateful for the opportunity to practice the craft and for all of the new connections I'd made. (P.S. I'm over the fucking moon that I won that contest! The short story will appear in an anthology soon. I'll keep ya posted on that.)
My BFF, and others besides her, have asked me how I can be that way, having had so much in my life that was negative. Before, I never had a good answer to that question. I used to say, "I don't know. I'd guess I'd just rather be happy than sad." Which was true. But after a lot of self reflection, I've come to realize that it was my way of coping. It was my way of holding onto hope.
Even before I lost my mother, things were...hard. Everyone has their difficulties. I certainly don't think mine were any worse than another's, so please don't misunderstand me. My parents divorced when I was twelve and my parents split me and my younger brother up. Before they divorced, they were either going out to bars and doing things parents should not be doing when they have little ones at home (and leaving me taking care of my younger brother). Or, they were at home, fighting. And, I mean the screaming, yelling, things-are-getting-physical kind of fighting. Now, my brother and I were never abused. Just so we're clear on that. But, it was not a calm household, that's my point.
There were good times, and good memories. Fun times that we had as a family, and also times I remember with just me and my brother.
I know my parents were just doing the best they could with what they had. I've made peace with all that happened before.
But after they divorced and it was just me and mom...things were even more difficult. She jumped from one bad relationship to another. I was only important to her when she was between "guys". Then, I was her moon and stars. I'm sure I was important during the other times, too. But, it certainly didn't feel that way. Needless to say, she and I had a contentious relationship and I pretty much moved in with my boyfriend (later to become husband) when I was sixteen. Now, I didn't move all my stuff there, but I spent more time at his house and with his family than I did with her. Then, she got sick again (from Crohn's Disease) and guess who was super important again? This girl. It was a lot to juggle: By then, I was trying to go to college and work and start a life with my fiancé.
So, when I say it was my way of coping, I mean it was my way of COPING. Without having the ability to FIND and FOCUS on the positive in the situation, I'd have been clinically depressed, unable to function normally within society. For example, when my mom announced, in the middle of the night, that we were moving in with her newest boyfriend and I would have to change schools (again!), I was upset for a few minutes, but then quickly started focusing on the positives: I'd get a chance to start over in math (and maybe get a teacher I connected with and maybe get a better grade); maybe we'd stay there long enough to finish out the school year (we did!) and I'd be able to make some friends (I did!); maybe I'd be able to have my own bedroom (my mom and I had been sharing a bedroom since it was just a one-bedroom apartment) and could decorate the way I wanted (I did!); maybe the new place would be close enough to walk to school (it was not, I had to take the bus-boo!).
Maybe the above will provide a bit of an example of how my brain operates. I don't tell it to switch into silver-lining mode. It just happens. I'm guessing it's from years of practice. But, I love that it does it.
I did go through a HUGE learning curve with it, though. There was a period of time where I pretty much annoyed the shit out of everyone I knew. And, I mean, annoyed to the point where I lost friendships over it. For a time, I thought I'd lost my BFF. But, I didn't (thank GOD). I had to learn that most people aren't wired the same way I am. Most people need time to vent. They can't automatically flip into silver-lining mode. Perhaps the discussion can go in that area once they've had time to get all the venting done. If someone brought a problem to me, I'd automatically go into fix-it mode or silver-lining mode. I had to learn that sometimes people just need to vent, they just need to talk things out. Then, after that, if they need cheering up, we can move into silver-lining mode. If they need help finding a solution it's best to ask if they need help before moving into fix-it mode. But, boy, were those hard lessons to learn.
Now, don't get me wrong. Being optimistic is NOT easy. It doesn't magically make all my problems disappear. No. Shit still goes wrong. What changes is how I decide to deal with it. Do I get upset and frustrated. Hell yes. Do I vent sometimes? Of course! Do I dwell on it and focus on it and complain to my spouse, my kids, my friends, then my neighbors, then blast it on social media? No. To what end? It wouldn't change what happened. No one has that ability—there are no magic wands in this life.
How to get there....
There's a super easy way to flip your mindset. All you have to do is focus on gratitude.
What are you most grateful for?
That's it. It sounds super easy right? Yep. So easy that it's easy to forget to do. We walk around all the time worrying about all the things that we don't have, the things that didn't go well, that we forget to appreciate the things we DO have, the things that DID work out well.
So, to change that, simply state three things you are grateful for. Go ahead. I'll wait.
See? Doesn't that feel nice?
Okay, now my turn. Today, I am grateful for clean water (that doesn't smell like rotten eggs-we just got our well treated), my blog readers, and the opportunity to edit for other writers.
I'm not gonna lie. On really shitty days, those gratitude moments might sound more like, "I'm grateful for being able to breathe, for fucking coffee, and for my job that pays the bills." It can be as simple and basic as you need it to be. On other days, it can be more in depth and specific, something like, "I'm grateful for the health and happiness of my children, for the opportunity to give them a life better than mine, and for the loving, supportive spouse that I have been blessed enough to find in this lifetime."
If you have trouble remembering to do this, you can add it to your planner/journal (yes, thank you, Spirit, message received!) or you can even download a gratitude journal app. Yes, they have apps for this. And, they look really cool, too. Check out Three Good Things, Grateful, or Five Minutes of Gratitude.
I hope you found this post helpful.
I look forward to hearing from you soon, either on this post, or on Instagram or Twitter.
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